Think About It

Do you ever find yourself in an argument with your spouse over something small, and soon enough your argument has turned into an all out war between the two of you? You thought it was about the dirty dishes and soon it turned into how committed your partner is to you (or any other combination of small annoyances to deal breaker type fights). Your not alone in this, but your arguments also don't have to end, or start, this way.

John Gottman, a scholarly hero in the lives of many family life educators, researched and created a model of 4 conflict skills that are harmful to a relationship. It is helpful to be aware of these negative communication patterns so that we can avoid using these in our own relationships. These 4 styles of conflict are referred to as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and include: 

         1. Criticism

• This is more than just voicing a complaint, but it a personal attack on your spouse about them as a person.

         2. Contempt

• Any form of putting your partner down, putting yourself on higher ground or making yourself seem better than they are. Examples include: Mocking your partner, showing disrespect, sarcasm, ridiculing, mimicking, name calling, and negative body language such as rolling your eyes.

         3. Defensiveness

•  This involves making excuses, using negative body language and can quickly turn into the "blame game" where it becomes a battle of who is at ultimate fault.

         4. Stonewalling 

• This is a lack of responsiveness from one or both of the partners. It can involve literally leaving the situation, not engaging the the conversation, and physically and emotionally not letting the other person in.

Now that you know of these 4 negative communication pattern, think about your own relationship. Do you find yourself doing one or more of these when conflict arises?  Can you see the negative effect that it has when trying to resolve your own conflict? Next time you are about to get in a fight or disagreement, take a moment and think before you being to spiral into old habits. You have control over how you handle the situation, so use that control to help better communicate what you want to to your spouse. You will be amazed the difference it will make in your relationship, but don't give up if its hard. Changing our habits takes time and effort, and we know that you can get there.