Change It Up

When you're feeling angry it is often hard to stay calm, and can lead to saying things you don't really mean.  Anger however is a secondary emotion.  This means that when you are feeling angry it is because first you felt something like scared, hurt, frustrated, betrayed, etc.. 

Next time you are feeling angry during a conflict, think about why you feel angry and try to discover what primary emotion is behind it.  This will help you address the real problem and find a solution that will actually solve the problem. 

If you feel angry because your feelings were hurt by a comment your partner made for example, your anger can camouflage the real issue and the discussion can spiral out of control.  After you have discovered the primary emotion make sure to stay on topic.  Bringing up issues from the past and other grievances you have is not productive.     

Quote of the Day

"You don't love someone because of their looks, or for their clothes or their fancy car but because they sing a song that only you can hear."
                                                                                              -Oscar Wilde

Change Things Up

We have all heard that forgiveness is good that we need to do, and maybe we even want to forgive someone for something but we just don't seem to know HOW. Here are four steps to put into action as you try to forgive.

Step 1- Acknowledging the hurt.

• Talk to someone you trust and open up about how hurt, sad or angry you may feel. Let your emotions out, and don't apologize for them.
• Don't withdraw or isolate yourself. Stay connected and feel the pain, even though it hurts. With someone there to listen, the pain is more bearable.

Step 2- What do I want this pain to turn into.

• Once you've had the chance to vent, you are ready to appeal to your rational side,
• Ask yourself: What do you want this pain to turn into?
• Look for the hook. The hook is what is holding you back—it's the portion of the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.
• Empathize with the person who hurt you.
• Remember that forgiveness is not the service of condoning. It's a service to yourself—free yourself from the poison of hatred.

Step 3- Work through your pain.

• Dr. Hallowell says this step is difficult, but you need to analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.
• Flatten the hook (what's holding you back) and rid yourself of the anger that is keeping you from forgiveness. Praying and mediating can help.
• Take inventory and give thanks for all the things you do have.
• Think of your future. Know that you and your loved ones will be better off once you have rid yourself of any vengeful thinking.

Step 4- Let go of your rage and resentment.

• Dr. Hallowell uses the word "renounce" because your resentful feelings may never permanently go away
• Acknowledge that your anger can come back.
• If your anger does comes back, go through the process again and flatten the hook to keep moving forward

Quote of the Day

"All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest, never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership."
-Ann Landers

Additional Material

The following is content from smartmarriages.org!!
 (See Smart Marriages Page)

We finally know what's different about couples that stay happily married. It's not that they are better matched, better looking, more in love or more passionate. It's not that they have fewer differences or less to fight about. 

In fact, successful couples have the same number of
disagreements as couples who divorce.
Even more interesting, research shows that all couples disagree about the same
basic issues - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws, and time.
The difference between successful and unsuccessful
couples is how they handle these differences.
Successful couples disagree in a way that
makes their relationship stronger.
They also have other skills, knowledge, and attitudes that help
them build and maintain happiness and satisfaction.
The good news is that anyone can
learn to do it – (marriage) – better and smarter.
Couples can un-learn the behaviors that destroy
love and replace them with behaviors
that keep their love alive.
Learning what to expect in marriage as you go through the
different stages is an important first step.  Then learning
the skills to manage the predictable challenges (differences) along the way,
will give you confidence and a "can do" attitude – success breeds more success;
you'll build marriage muscles.
The other good news is that you can learn all this in simple and affordable Marriage Education classes.
It's also good news that there are many different courses - many
different programs and classes from which to choose. Sample and shop till you find those that work best for you.
The average class is 2 days, but there are 4 hour classes, one-day classes,
weekend classes, classes that meet one night a week for six or eight weeks, marriage retreats, etc., etc.

There are both secular and faith-based programs.
There are courses for couples at any stage:
• dating
• engaged
• cohabiting
• married - newlyweds or long-married empty nesters
• new parents or parents of adolescents
• empty-nesters
• stepfamilies
• couples on the brink of breaking up or divorcing including couples who have separated
Research shows that all couples need the same basic information and the same basic skills –
couples can use the tools to build a good relationship from the ground up as newlyweds;
to make a good relationship even better; or to rebuild a marriage or relationship
that's seriously in need of repair – that feels like it's 'all out of love'.

It turns out you CAN learn how to get the feeling back.......and keep love alive.

Think About It

When conflict starts it is because one or both partners feel that their expectations have been violated.. 

Here are some examples of expectations:

• "My wife will take care of all the housework.”
• “My husband will be a great listener.”
• “My spouse will be like my mother/ father”
• “My relationship with my spouse will always be the same throughout our marriage”

Not all of these are realistic expecations, although they may someday be met by that spouse of yours who really does love you and is learning to show it.

THINK ABOUT IT!!

What could be a healthy alternative to starting a fight?
Try analyzing your expectations. Are they realistic? Are they hypocritical? 
Express your expectations to your spouse and talk about them. We aren't mind- readers.
Weigh the cost of arguing against what you are loosing if your spouse doesn't meet your expectations. Is it worth it??

Remember: You have to pick your battles. No fights should occur over preferences. Values are the only things you might consider a positive focus of scrutiny.

Video of the Day

Watch as couples express things they do in their relationships to Express their love. I think this video is super cute!! Remember, you need to have 5 positive interactions to combat every negative one. This especially applies to conflict. If you can squeeze these expressions of love into your disagreements, your marriage will be so much the better for it!!