Change It Up

When you're feeling angry it is often hard to stay calm, and can lead to saying things you don't really mean.  Anger however is a secondary emotion.  This means that when you are feeling angry it is because first you felt something like scared, hurt, frustrated, betrayed, etc.. 

Next time you are feeling angry during a conflict, think about why you feel angry and try to discover what primary emotion is behind it.  This will help you address the real problem and find a solution that will actually solve the problem. 

If you feel angry because your feelings were hurt by a comment your partner made for example, your anger can camouflage the real issue and the discussion can spiral out of control.  After you have discovered the primary emotion make sure to stay on topic.  Bringing up issues from the past and other grievances you have is not productive.     

Quote of the Day

"You don't love someone because of their looks, or for their clothes or their fancy car but because they sing a song that only you can hear."
                                                                                              -Oscar Wilde

Change Things Up

We have all heard that forgiveness is good that we need to do, and maybe we even want to forgive someone for something but we just don't seem to know HOW. Here are four steps to put into action as you try to forgive.

Step 1- Acknowledging the hurt.

• Talk to someone you trust and open up about how hurt, sad or angry you may feel. Let your emotions out, and don't apologize for them.
• Don't withdraw or isolate yourself. Stay connected and feel the pain, even though it hurts. With someone there to listen, the pain is more bearable.

Step 2- What do I want this pain to turn into.

• Once you've had the chance to vent, you are ready to appeal to your rational side,
• Ask yourself: What do you want this pain to turn into?
• Look for the hook. The hook is what is holding you back—it's the portion of the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.
• Empathize with the person who hurt you.
• Remember that forgiveness is not the service of condoning. It's a service to yourself—free yourself from the poison of hatred.

Step 3- Work through your pain.

• Dr. Hallowell says this step is difficult, but you need to analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.
• Flatten the hook (what's holding you back) and rid yourself of the anger that is keeping you from forgiveness. Praying and mediating can help.
• Take inventory and give thanks for all the things you do have.
• Think of your future. Know that you and your loved ones will be better off once you have rid yourself of any vengeful thinking.

Step 4- Let go of your rage and resentment.

• Dr. Hallowell uses the word "renounce" because your resentful feelings may never permanently go away
• Acknowledge that your anger can come back.
• If your anger does comes back, go through the process again and flatten the hook to keep moving forward

Quote of the Day

"All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest, never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership."
-Ann Landers

Additional Material

The following is content from smartmarriages.org!!
 (See Smart Marriages Page)

We finally know what's different about couples that stay happily married. It's not that they are better matched, better looking, more in love or more passionate. It's not that they have fewer differences or less to fight about. 

In fact, successful couples have the same number of
disagreements as couples who divorce.
Even more interesting, research shows that all couples disagree about the same
basic issues - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws, and time.
The difference between successful and unsuccessful
couples is how they handle these differences.
Successful couples disagree in a way that
makes their relationship stronger.
They also have other skills, knowledge, and attitudes that help
them build and maintain happiness and satisfaction.
The good news is that anyone can
learn to do it – (marriage) – better and smarter.
Couples can un-learn the behaviors that destroy
love and replace them with behaviors
that keep their love alive.
Learning what to expect in marriage as you go through the
different stages is an important first step.  Then learning
the skills to manage the predictable challenges (differences) along the way,
will give you confidence and a "can do" attitude – success breeds more success;
you'll build marriage muscles.
The other good news is that you can learn all this in simple and affordable Marriage Education classes.
It's also good news that there are many different courses - many
different programs and classes from which to choose. Sample and shop till you find those that work best for you.
The average class is 2 days, but there are 4 hour classes, one-day classes,
weekend classes, classes that meet one night a week for six or eight weeks, marriage retreats, etc., etc.

There are both secular and faith-based programs.
There are courses for couples at any stage:
• dating
• engaged
• cohabiting
• married - newlyweds or long-married empty nesters
• new parents or parents of adolescents
• empty-nesters
• stepfamilies
• couples on the brink of breaking up or divorcing including couples who have separated
Research shows that all couples need the same basic information and the same basic skills –
couples can use the tools to build a good relationship from the ground up as newlyweds;
to make a good relationship even better; or to rebuild a marriage or relationship
that's seriously in need of repair – that feels like it's 'all out of love'.

It turns out you CAN learn how to get the feeling back.......and keep love alive.

Think About It

When conflict starts it is because one or both partners feel that their expectations have been violated.. 

Here are some examples of expectations:

• "My wife will take care of all the housework.”
• “My husband will be a great listener.”
• “My spouse will be like my mother/ father”
• “My relationship with my spouse will always be the same throughout our marriage”

Not all of these are realistic expecations, although they may someday be met by that spouse of yours who really does love you and is learning to show it.

THINK ABOUT IT!!

What could be a healthy alternative to starting a fight?
Try analyzing your expectations. Are they realistic? Are they hypocritical? 
Express your expectations to your spouse and talk about them. We aren't mind- readers.
Weigh the cost of arguing against what you are loosing if your spouse doesn't meet your expectations. Is it worth it??

Remember: You have to pick your battles. No fights should occur over preferences. Values are the only things you might consider a positive focus of scrutiny.

Video of the Day

Watch as couples express things they do in their relationships to Express their love. I think this video is super cute!! Remember, you need to have 5 positive interactions to combat every negative one. This especially applies to conflict. If you can squeeze these expressions of love into your disagreements, your marriage will be so much the better for it!!

Change Things Up

Relationships can get tough if you feel like all you ever do is fight. If that is happening in your marriage, your relationship could use a boost of positive enhancement!! The essence of your relationship should not be disagreements. You need to reach out to your partner and your partner needs to reach out to you. Now, you might be thinking, "I'm trying to help our marriage, but she isn't responding" or "He never tries to do anything but fight with me." It might be possible to recognize efforts that your spouse is making if you are cued in on one relationship term:

BIDS

Bids are anything that one spouse does to attempt to reach out to the other for shared humor, attention, affection, or love. They can be as simple as your spouse smiling at you or touching your shoulder as you walk by. No, he might not actually be clumsy, but is instead trying to reach out to you with a gesture of love.  No, she might not be trying to bring up a negative comment, but reaching out for you to show her you care about your day. And so on.

Responding to our spouses' bids is important to relationship survival. Men tend to ignore more bids than women do, even in divorcing situations, but both spouses do it. You will see a difference in your relationship as you notice times that your spouse is vying for your love, attention, or to share a moment and you make the effort to respond well. Smile back, laugh at the joke, put down what you are doing to engage in a conversation, or reach out to grab his hand when he rubs your shoulder. It may not feel as authentic at first, but will become more natural with time as you feel yourself investing in your relationship, moment by moment. 

Enjoy!!

Think About It

Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and being forgiving. Evidence shows that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers numerous benefits, including:

• Lower blood pressure
• Stress reduction
• Less hostility
• Better anger management skills
• Lower heart rate
• Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
• Fewer depression symptoms
• Fewer anxiety symptoms
• Reduction in chronic pain
• More friendships
• Healthier relationships
• Greater religious or spiritual well-being
• Improved psychological well-being

Is there someone in your life that you are holding a grudge against or have a hard time forgiving? Consider the benefits of forgiveness as some motivation to consider working toward forgiving that person. What's really holding you back?

Change Things Up

In a world full of stress and responsibility, it can be difficult to see the good in things. It can be especially easy to forget to see the good in your partner when you get caught up in the whirlwind of bills, chores, work and kids. To remember the things that you love about your partner, try doing this activity each evening. Find a time, its usually easiest right when you wake up or right when you go to bed, to think about the things that you love and respect about you spouse. Right down 3-5 specific things. An example might be: I love when my husband compliments the way I look, or I am grateful that my wife takes such good care of the kids. Anything to get you thinking about the good! As you think of ideas, more will begin to flow and your relationship can feel a greater sense of love.

Quote of the Day

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong."
                                          -Mahatma Ghandi

Think about it

What best fits the description of your feelings in marriage?
1. I married my partner but didn't see the flaws they had back then; now I wish I could change them
2. My partner and I knew each other's weaknesses and embrace them
3. I have a hard time thinking that my spouse might not change what is annoying to me
4. I'm working on choosing my battles, and I see improvement in how much I am able to love my spouse through their flaws
5. Realizing that I have flaws and still loves me helps me love them through their flaws
6. My spouse is perfect/ IE honeymoon phase
7 My spouse's strengths outweigh their weaknesses, because I really do care about their good strengths

You may be a combination of some of the above. It's OK to where you are at, because you are HERE, learning, growing, and evaluating how you see the world and your marriage. Just a pointer, the best options you should work towards are:

1, 3, 5, 7

Additional Material

This podcast is definitely worth 23 miniutes of your life if you love your partner. Join THIS AMERICAN LIFE from WBEZ for Act one of What really happens in marriage: the sanctity of marriage. John Gottman is featured!!

Successful Marriages

Video of the Day

Take it from the expert himself-- he can predict divorce with 94% accuracy- so we should really listen!!

Think about it

Take a moment to reflect on your own relationship. How much do you do the following?

• Attack your partner at the core
• Leave your spouse feeling hurt
• Verballly assult your partner
• Leave your partner feeling rejected

Keep in mind... these things don't have to be actual to have a real effect on your marriage. If your spouse feels any of the above things, you are CRITICIZING them. Criticism can lead to worse things in your relationship. This is from John Gottman's 4 horsemen. (See Recognizing-criticism)

Now make a goal. You are not going to do this to your partner today, because you love them! Remember the old addadge: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Quote of the Day

Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. -Ronald Reagan

Quote of the Day

“You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words.” -Elizabeth Gilbert

Additional Material

Do you see some common threads in this scene and your own experience or marriage? Keep up with this blog to learn how to combat these danger signs!!

Quote of the Day

“Every healthy relationship has some conflict...conflict is not negative.  It’s how you handle it that makes the difference” –Anonymous

Additional Material

Here is a great book to check out written by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, called Healing The Hurt In Your Marriage.

Habitual avoidance of conflict is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Do you avoid conflict resolution because you don't know how to deal with it effectively? Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage provides you with an excellent examination of conflict and a practical step-by-step process for resolving it in a healthy manner. Refined from over 23,000 hours of private counseling, Dr. Rosberg's unique "closing the loop" technique can help heal hurts, improve communication, foster forgiveness, promote trust and build a sound marriage.

Change It Up

During a conflict, when things get heated and emotions are boiling it is easy to say things that are not productive to solving the conflict or things that you don't really mean and may hurt your partners feelings.  When this happens sometimes it is helpful to take a break.  This doesn't mean stonewalling, but decided together to take a time-out and later return to the conversation when you both have calmed down a little. 

During this time out you might want to talk a walk, or do something else that you know calms you down.  Once you have both calmed down and had a little time to think about the conflict by your self you can come back together and calmly discuss the problem.  After taking a minute to think you may even realize that the conflict is much easier to solve than you had thought.   

Quote Of The Day

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”

-Barnett R. Brickner

Think About It

When disagreements come up in your relationship there are a few ways to solve them peacefully.  Abraham Greef and his collogues identified three successive positive conflict strategies that build upon one another, these are accommodating, compromising, and collaborating.

The first strategy is accommodating.  In this strategy the goal is to appease one spouse so that the conflict can end quickly and peacefully.  this strategy is often successful in ending conflict, but not ideal because one spouse has to give up everything so that the other spouse can get their way.

The next strategy is compromising.  This strategy is focused on finding a solution so that both partners are satisfied.  In this approach each partner has to give a little so that they both can also get a little.  This strategy is more ideal than accommodating and often times is the both solution, but is still less than ideal.

The final strategy is collaborating.  The goal here is to find a solution so that everyone is happy and gets exactly what they want, no one has to settle or sacrifice.  To achieve this solution both partners need to explain why they feel the way they do or have the preferences they have.  By doing this, often times a solution that serves both partners can be found 

There is a time and a place for all three strategies.  Collaborating cannon always be achieved, and compromising is sometimes not an option, but ideally you would always work towards collaborating.       

To better illustrate the importance of finding of finding a collaborative solution versus a compromise, here is a story called The Battle of The Orange Peel.  The original author of the story is unknown. 

 

After school one day Julie ran into the kitchen, excited to make a glass of fresh orange juice.  To her dismay she was too late, her sister Sarah already had the last orange in hand.  They argued for a minute, both feeling like they deserved the orange more, until finally they agreed to compromise and each take half of the orange, after all that was the only fair thing to do.  They cut the orange in half, and Julie took her half, removed the peel, tossed it into the trash, and squeezed her half into a cup, unsatisfied with how little juice it produced.  Sarah took her half, which wasn’t enough, grated her half of the peel into a pie, and tossed the undesired fruit into the trash with her sister’s peel.  By compromising, both girls got half of what they needed, which was better than getting none.  But if they had discussed their needs, they would have learned that by collaborating, they could have each obtained all that they needed.  Julie would have had as much juice as she wanted and Sarah could have had enough for her pie.  Instead, neither got what they needed.     

Additional Material

Here is a funny clip from Stronger Families showing how validation can make your partner feel loved , understood, and appreciated. 

Change It Up

When your partner expresses their feelings, even if you do not agree with them or understand why they feel that way, try showing your partner that you appreciate how they feel by validating their emotions.  This will make your partner feel valued and loved and will help defensiveness not become part of the conversation.

•  Validation is showing acceptance and openness to your partner's points of view and emotions.
• Maintaining eye contact, paraphrasing back what your partner just said and expressing concern for their feelings are some ways you can show your partner you care.
• You may not understand why your partner feels the way they do or you may feel they are overreacting or being too sensitive, but it is important to remember that for whatever reason, they are feeling the way they are and those emotions need to be validated. 

  

Quote Of The Day

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
-Martin Luther King

Think About It:

No two people are exactly alike- thank goodness for that!  This means that no two people think exactly the same about everything, and that is why we disagree.  Disagreeing is normal, and in fact very healthy within a marriage, the problem arises when disagreements turn to negative conflict.  Yelling, nit-picking, and using Gotman's Four Horseman to solve problems only leads to bigger problems.  Disagreeing in a marriage is not a bad sign nor does it mean the relationship is weak, it just mean you have differing opinions.  As long as you practice positive conflict resolution behaviors and avoid the negative ones within your relationship, conflict doesn't have to be a negative thing- in fact, it can be very positive!  

Additional Material

Here is a comical clip from NBC's The Office where Michael helps two of his co-workers solve conflict using the I-feel language discussed earlier. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZBJ4apWLx8

Change It Up

If during a conflict things start to heat up, try pausing, and then start the discussion over using I-feel language and avoiding You-statements.

Instead of saying "That was really mean of you to make that joke, you are so insensitive."  (A 'you" statement.)  Try saying "That joke made me feel embarrassed and underappreciated because I felt it was implying I was a bad homemaker."

Using I-statements helps your partner to not feel as much like they are being accused or judged, but helps them understand that you are just explain your feelings.  Your partner will be less likely to become defensive, preventing an escalating argument from ensuing.  

This opens the floor for constructive and open two way conversation where your partner can understand how you feel, and then calmly explain how they feel about the situation or problem. 

Quote Of The Day

“If two people say they never disagree, either they are lying, or one partner is not speaking their mind.” –Anonymous